Mum was 40 years old and had a good career in advertising. She planned her life and career which did not include getting married or having children. Mum became pregnant and at her 12 weeks scan she discovered she was having twins. Mum was overwhelmed with the changes having children would mean. She knew that her career plans would change, and she worried about being a single parent.
Mum was of white ethnicity and the children’s father was African. She was afraid to tell her family as she knew they would not be happy that she would have mixed race children. Mum struggled through the next few months and knew that she would have to inform her employers. She had no friends outside of work and the friends she had in work were acquaintances rather than friends.
Mum felt isolated and lonely. She was not sure at first if she wanted to continue with the pregnancy. She felt totally alone. At the 12 weeks scan she saw her two babies on the monitor and knew although life would be tough, she wanted her children and would somehow manage. She spoke to her employers, who were not particularly sympathetic. They explained that they would find it hard to replace her and made her feel as if she had let them down.
At 20 weeks pregnant she knew she had to tell her family. It took weeks for her to pluck up the courage to call them. She also knew they would not be happy that the children were mixed race.
She decided that evening to call her parents in. She chatted away knowing that she would need to tell them she was pregnant. She took a deep breath and told them she was expecting twins. Her parents wanted to know if she planned to marry and she continued to explain how she had become pregnant and that the father was African. The parents listened in silence. Mum went on to explain that the father was someone she worked with and he had made it clear he did not want anything to do with mum or her babies. Her parents stayed silent for what seemed to mum an age. Eventually they spoke…they told her…we want nothing to do with your illegitimate children as they are not white. We do not want to hear from you, and you will be ostracised from this family for the disgrace you have brought upon us. They put the phone down. Mum stared at the phone and cried.
After 9 months and 3 days the babies, a boy and a girl were born. Mum did not have any visitors and the midwife worried that she would be on her own without any support. A referral was made to Home-Start. Our family support co-ordinator visited mum and the babies and mum started to explain that she had never thought about having children. She did not know how to care for their skin or their hair. In fact, she wasn’t sure how to parent her children and provide for them. She was isolated and felt exhausted.
We identified a volunteer, who was 19 years old and had her own child. The volunteer was mixed race and understood mums fears and concerns. But how would mum accept support from someone years younger than her? We introduced the family to the volunteer and the relationship blossomed. The volunteer taught mum how to care for the children’s hair and skin. She listened to mum and encouraged mum to make contact with her family in Ireland. Mum did not see the point and chose not to.
Mum went for her 6-week post pregnancy check. The consultant came into the room, he looked concerned. Mum asked him what was wrong. The consultant explained that during the check up there had been something of concern that he wanted to investigate further. He booked her in for a scan the following day. Mum was too scared to ask what he thought was wrong and went home and cried.
The next day she had a scan and was asked to see the consultant. She sat in his room and waited. He came in after 5 minutes and sat down and started to explain that she had cancer. The cancer was so far advanced the consultant was not sure how long she had to live. Her first waves of thoughts were her babies. If she wasn’t going to survive who would look after them?
Mum called Home-Start and asked if her volunteer would call and visit. The volunteer arrived at the family home and mum explained what had happened. The volunteer remained calm and listened. Not really knowing what to say.
Mum began treatment. The volunteer would attend hospital appointments with her and help with the children. The volunteer listened to mum’s fears and again suggested she contact her family. Mum refused. To the amazement of the hospital team mum took well to the treatment and one year turned into three. The twins had a nursey place that Home-Start had helped her find. This helped give mum some respite and for the children to experience being children. Mum knew that one day she may not be around and started to teach them how to fill the washing machine and care for themselves. She contacted the children’s father, but he didn’t want to know.
Mum attended a routine hospital appointment and heard the news she had been dreading…the hospital could do no more. Mum was dying.
The volunteer visited mum twice a week to offer support. Other services were put in place to support mum with her illness. Home-Start referred to social services to ask for support for the children. Mum was often angry, and the volunteer knew this stemmed from her fear of the future of her children.
The volunteer spoke to mum about her family in Ireland. Mum was more responsive this time. The volunteer was aware that she could not force mum to make contact but spoke at length of the benefits of having support. We also helped mum prepare a book of memories for both children, which included pictures and photographs and letters from mum.
On one of the volunteer’s visits mum explained that she was going to call her parents. The call was tough and tearful. Her family refused to listen, putting the phone down. Mum explained about her illness and how lovely the children were, but her parents did not want to know.
The volunteer suggested she wrote to them, included some photographs of the children. She wrote about her illness and how this would impact on her children. Mum knew when she died the children would go into care if there was no one to look after them.
Mum sent the letter. Days went by without any response. Then after two weeks a letter arrived with three tickets to fly to go home to her parents. Mum was shocked and spoke to the volunteer. The volunteer encouraged her to visit, which she did.
Mum never returned to the UK. Sadly, she passed away two days after arriving at her parents. After many months, the authorities agreed that the grandparents become the parental guardians of the twins. They have a wonderful life now with family who love them.